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Why the hell am I doing this?

July 13, 2010 No Comments

Firstly I’d like to thank all of you who have taken the time to read my blog and send me emails of encouragement and thanks. It is an incredible privilege that anyone would take the time to support me and in part I am sure some of you are wondering why the hell I am doing this. This is a great question and one I would like to answer just for my own clarification.

For the longest time, since I realised that singing and acting were not going to take the road I thought they were I had to make some decisions about what the priorities in my life were, I really didn’t know how I could be free to explore the creative arts as I had wanted with the commitments I had, I wondered how I could exercise creativity and passions in my life.

If you have known me for some time you would know that singing and acting have been a massive part of my life. A passion for such a long time that when you remove them you are left with a big gaping hole, one that I desperately needed to fill. I am by no means saying that singing or acting won’t be a bigger part of my life in future, I imagine perhaps they will be, but right now, in the phase of life I am in I need something to lose myself in that is purely mine, for me, about me, and full stop. I am of the belief that in life we should always strive to better and challenge ourselves in order to grow as a human being. To add complexity to this, for me personally being a woman whom decided to have a family (which is hugely important) I needed to keep the balance, I didn’t want to lose myself in being a mum/wife and nothing else which is a very common handicap. So I started to think about my passions, “what are they for starters..” I love so many things, photography, fashion, cooking, reading, spirituality, psychology, music, makeup just to name a few, but which of them came from a more profound place. One that if removed would be like losing a small part of me? I thought and I thought.. and all the while never once did I think I could take something like cooking and make it into something more exciting and entertaining than creating a beautiful meal for my family and friends. But one day I realised that I could and perhaps should do this very thing.

This blog for me is the start of exploring this idea of being able to learn, create and share through writing, cooking and photography (another passion of mine). I think of the cooking process a bit like a painting every time I cook… the pan is my canvas, the ingredients my paints (colours) and the wooden spoon my brush. Cliché? Maybe but this is how it rings true to me. I remember a few weeks ago I was having a particularly hard week and my beautiful cousin Bianca suggested she come over look after my daughter Serena while I go for a walk and de-stress, being that this is the very things she does to collect herself and focus back into the flow of life and I knew straight away what I really needed to do and my answer to her was this, “no what I need is to get into the kitchen and cook” and I did and as I was cooking the worries, stresses and burdens for those moments where gone. Peace fell upon me like a powerful elixir and this is why this whole thing is so important to me. It is so profound, something I never truly realised, perhaps because I had never truly taken the time to understand that part of myself. It’s amazing the things we learn about ourselves as we grow if we just take the time to be still and really listen to what is inside. Singing and acting where always a given, a given that ended up being an expectation people had of me, I never stopped to explore alternatives for myself as I grew, I thought this was my most beautiful and blessed gift, not realising we can be blessed more than once especially if we take the time to learn and apply ourselves to things we love. I never really thought I was an amazing singer but I worked at having the talent I did. I don’t believe I was a born talented singer as I don’t think I am born a talented cook but I am willing to be totally vulnerable to it and learn, explore and share. I am also in the privileged space to be born into a society whose cultural heritage is very closely interwoven into cooking. It is such a massive part of our culture. The memories I have of my mother growing up are of her in the kitchen creating amazing masterpieces, and I don’t want to lose that family culture. Every woman in my family is a wonderful cook, I have seen them create special recipes that they love and are purely their own and I am enjoying bringing those alive in my kitchen as well and creating my own legacy. I want to have something I can pass onto my daughter that is more meaningful than just money or anything material, I want to teach her about something that you can’t learn at any school or buy at any store and that is my cultural, family and personal legacy.

The process of this blog is challenging from the point of view that it exposes all of me to the world (or whoever, if anyone is really reading my blog) but I acknowledge that it is of great honour and privilege to have the resources and capacity to create it. I hope life keeps providing what I need (money, time, inspiration, (most importantly) family support, etc) to keep producing more and more. I don’t know where this will take me but I am happy and grateful for where it is for now. In this moment.

Thanks again for your support and please don’t stop!

Photo above: Another family feast at my mums house! Memories I treasure – Sept 2007.

Buon Appetito. x

Tags: Thoughts

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